It's over. I did it...
I don't feel as glad or relieved as I thought I would. Mostly I just feel...guilt.
I'm still alive, and still on the Saschen. For now. I told the Commander that if he didn't want me to remain I would stay on Rannoch. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not just resigning from the Alliance. I've finished my pilgrimage.
Maybe I should start from the beginning.
K-QO and a turian female came into the lab shortly after the Salarian...passed on. I was pretty certain there was no turian female on our ship, so that must have been the prisoner K-QO went to free. I'm glad something came from this trip other than destruction.
I pretended to try and get information from the computer, and pretended to fail. I... I couldn't tell my squad yet. We were still on enemy territory, and I could barely think straight. Everything was happening so fast.
I guess something was going on with the Salarians piloting the ship, because the Commander damaged the computer and asked me to fix the ship. There were still two Salarians in engineering, and I was pretty certain I could handle them so I told the Commander I would take control from engineering. I arrived at the same time as the two asari, and the Lieutenant ran up the corridor to join us. Opening the door and sneaking into the room was easy... although as usual the Lieutenant decided it would be better to charge straight in waving his sword. Normally his incessant need to kill things would have irritated me, but today it was what I needed. Unfortunately one of the asari used her biotics to send the engineers to sleep - which for some strange reason meant they walked past us back to their bunks. I followed, and neural shocked them in their sleep.
I can't believe I did that.
I've killed so many people since joining the Alliance, and many as a direct result of this mission. I've certainly never killed anyone in their sleep before. I'm still not sure how to live with that.
The lieutenant had decided to follow me because he wanted to talk to me. He saw what I did... the look of shock on his face is burned into my memory. I truly have become a monster if even he is shocked by my actions. He confronted me, and although I tried to put him off he wound up pinning me to the floor. I suppose I should be grateful he didn't tear my suit in the process. I expected more of an interrogation about what he had just seen, but he was quickly side-tracked into confessing his feelings for me.
The lieutenant is in love with me. Or at least thinks he is.
What am I supposed to do about that? What was I supposed to say? Especially today, with everything that was going on. I froze. Then I demanded he get off of me so I could fix the ship that for all I knew could have been careening wildly through space since I hadn't taken control yet like I said I would. He wouldn't get off. He wanted to know how I felt about him. Why would I ever have even thought about him that way? He's always disgusted me with his amoral, care-free attitude...
And what right have I to criticize him for that now? He's saved my life before. I lied to him, and the rest of my squad. I still can't deal with this.
I convinced the Lieutenant that now was really not the best time for this conversation and he got off me and put me back on my feet. He's certainly very strong. I made it to engineering without further mishaps and after a bit of work on the engines I had control of the ship (which was working fine, by the way. Thanks for scaring me Commander). At this point I realized that the Commander was interrogating the only two living Salarians on the ship, and I headed to the bridge, with the lieutenant and the two asari following me.
At this point the whole crew had realized something was up. I probably didn't help matters by telling the Commander I had something I needed to tell him, but that I didn't want to share it until later. The turian looked very upset, and kept his hand by his pistol and his eyes on me the whole time. Which was pointless, he couldn't tell what I did to the computers anyway.
Oh, right. The Commander wanted me to get whatever information I could from the computer he'd shot - even just a history of where the ship had been. So I fixed the computer... and then I extracted the data dumped it in my suit with the rest, and wiped the computer spotless. It's not like there was any more point in being subtle.
The crew was not happy. One of the asari reported that I had killed the two engineers, and the next thing I know I'm staring at the barrel of the turian's pistol (the male turian. The new female wasn't really a big part of this whole thing), and the asari is standing between us glowing blue. I wasn't sure who she was going to attack.
The Commander was less than thrilled as well, and demanded answers. Again, I pointed out that now may not be the best time. The asari actually agreed with me...so the Commander shot the last two Salarians and then said that now we could talk.
I guess at least that dealt with that problem.
So I told them everything. Almost everything. I may have implied that I deleted the data. We're going to Rannoch now, and I'm going to get a cybernetic memory chip in my brain while I'm there. I'll lock the information up in there and I will never, ever tell anyone. But just in case we ever need it, I have it. The location the Salarians were attempting to determine. How to find the reapers.
Anyway, the Commander was furious. Everyone was furious. We got back on the shuttle and headed to the Saschen where there was apparently a message for everyone. Well...they left me on the shuttle. The turian tried to take my omni-tool away (which would have been intelligent of him if I were actually working against them, and if I didn't have a direct interface. This crew is very technically challenged) but that obviously didn't work, so I watched the broadcast from the shuttle. It was a news report from Earth. An Alliance base - actually, the Alliance base this crew was assembled at - was destroyed when the Saschen landed and it's crew got out of the ship (including me!) and blew up the base, killing everyone there including the Admiral. So we're now fugitives. I wish I knew how they managed to build a look alike Saschen and find people to play us without anyone knowing - whoever "they" are.
Somehow, the crew decided this was all my fault. The Commander hauled me out of the shuttle and showed me the report. Are all humans as grabby as the two on this ship?
I think he would have killed me then, if people hadn't realized that this message was two days old and had just taken this long to reach us. This had happened long before I betrayed my squad.
Keelah, that's what I did, isn't it? I betrayed them. How will I ever make that right? I... I can't just pretend this never happened and continue on like normal. No one here will ever trust me again...
Except the Lieutenant already forgave me. He confronted me in the com room after everyone left, and said that we were back on the Saschen so it was time to talk. He said he understood that I was only doing what I thought was right, and he said he cared for me. And then he asked me what I thought of him.
I've never been more grateful for my suit in my life - he didn't see me cry. The lieutenant - the person on this ship I respect the least, the one who always seemed to be trying to be horrid... he forgave me without a second thought. And actually cared what my opinion of him was.
I froze. I don't care for him, and I never have. But I didn't want to hurt him. Fortunately something must have come up because he started a private com conversation with the turian... and I took advantage of his distraction to run away down to the engine room. Today was far, far too much for me to deal with. What am I supposed to do about Cornelius?
That's the Lieutenant's name by the way. I pulled my squad's files. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.
I received an e-mail when we all arrived back on the Saschen. It was from President Tali'Zorah, thanking me for my service and offering the Saschen and it's crew sanctuary. One of the asari and the male turian both received similar offers of aid from different sources. The Commander decided to take us to Rannoch first - probably mostly so we could finally get the sixty quarians we have in pods out of our cargo bay. And that's where we're headed now.
As for me, I've decided my pilgrimage is complete. But if Cornelius can forgive me, then maybe I have a shot at earning back the trust of the rest of the crew. I owe it to them to try. I've asked the Commander for permission to stay aboard, but I'm currently on probation, so we'll see what happens on Rannoch. It may help that President Tali'Zorah's intel says that we would be in a much worse situation had we turned the information I stole over to the Alliance.
At least while I'm on Rannoch I can have some time out of my suit... And I should start praying I don't run into my parents. They'd try to stop me from leaving again. I have to make things right with my squad, I can not stay on Rannoch.
I'll spend the rest of our trip there learning what I can about my squad. I'll even try talking to them. Whatever it takes to win their trust.
...I just realized the Scientist who ran the experiments is still on our ship. It's not over yet.